First, let’s get something straight: there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no timeline or deadline. Grief pours into every crevasse of our lives; it is not a linear process. With that said, if a significant life change or a loss creates a chronic condition that won’t stop negatively impacting your emotional well-being, you probably need help looking at the deeper meaning.

A necessary part of the human experience is the inevitable pain of loss, illness, and unwelcome change. Your method of handling life events is based on your beliefs and how you perceive yourself. If, for instance, you experienced abandonment or the loss of a parent in your youth, you may be hypersensitive to loss. You may, for example, believe that those you love will eventually disappear from your life. On the other hand, your friend who has not loved and lost may grieve and appear to move on with comparative ease.

The challenge with differing beliefs is that it’s difficult to fathom the other person’s point of view. You can’t imagine your brain working that way. I remember experiencing this when my mom passed away. My heart was breaking; the loss felt unbearable. My siblings managed their emotions differently. “What did you think would happen? She was 92 years old,” one brother said to me. I viewed his remark as insensitive, and I couldn’t understand why he didn’t miss mom as much as I did.

Since then, I’ve learned that he does miss her; he simply found a different (less painful) path to acceptance. I misinterpreted his acceptance as a lack of love because I couldn’t imagine how he could love our mother and cope well with the loss. It felt as though these two experiences could not co-exist. I was wrong.

Do you find that things like loss, conflict, unwelcome change, and difficult news seem beyond your ability to manage emotionally? Does the deep pain and worry stay with you for years, often spiking, surprising you with deep, painful emotions at unexpected times? Suppose this harms your mental well-being. It may be helpful to look at how your personal paradigm was formed and whether you can shift your perspective. I’ve done this countless times over the years, and the experience is life-altering.

For me, loss has been the most challenging of life events to manage. Even the loss of one of my beloved dogs haunted me for many years. Friends who moved away, breaking up with someone I’ve dated, and most certainly the pain of loss when my husband and mother passed seemed insurmountable. I knew that my level of ongoing grief was not within normative values. It had a negative impact on my life in many ways. Something had to change, so I found help.

What I learned about myself is that loss threatened my sense of safety and well-being. My dog, Cooper, for instance, entered our lives only months after my husband passed. For five years, Cooper and I walked in the woods almost every day while I cried, vented, and created a new life for myself. Cooper was a vessel for my deepest emotions and a catalyst to my healing. On a subconscious level, I believed that losing him after only five years was a threat to my well-being and a stab in the back at my attempt to build a new life for my young children and me. He held my grief and my dreams; what now?

My mother was my best friend. We laughed and cried together. Mom rescued me from disaster on more than one occasion. Again subconsciously, losing her meant that my security and safety were next to go.

It’s natural to feel the pain of loss; it becomes a part of who you are. But when it threatens your mental health and ability to thrive, it’s a problem. However, you can create internal change that makes life more joyful and helps you find gratitude for all that is.

Remember, grief is not always attached to death. It comes from divorce, loss of a business, estrangement, loss of a job, and so many other life events. Don’t shy away from asking for professional help to assimilate your losses and find balance. Some life coaches are equipped to help you. There are grief counselors and coaches. And certainly, everyone can benefit from therapy.

What steps will you take to heal? Reach out to me; perhaps I can steer you in the right direction.

The post Why Do Others Quickly Recover from Grief, and I Don’t? appeared first on Marla Tabaka.

As a tribute to Janine at this weekends memorial I will read this revised article that was published on Inc.com a few years ago. I hope you find value in the things I learned from my beautiful sister.

As you know, our sister Janine lived with Down syndrome. Every opportunity to spend in the shadow of her joyful spirit was an occasion to learn a valuable life lesson. I want to share some of them with you today…

1. Be considerate of others–no matter what is going on in your own life.

Janine was consistent in her caring attitude and consideration for others, even during the most trying of times. This quality stood out when she was in the hospital in critical condition. Every visitor received a smile, and when Janine was strong enough, she would ask how they were doing. In some cases, she even consoled her friends.

There's always time and energy to be kind, no matter what's going on in our personal world.

2. You don't need to meet social norms to be happy in life.

Marriage, having children, and total independence were out of the question for Janine. While she may have occasionally fanaticized about having a “normal” life, she found contentment and happiness in her reality. A loving boyfriend, good friends, and the people at Five Star were like family. Janine didn't need to lead the life she witnessed others living to feel happy and fulfilled.

Janine taught me to see my life through the lens of gratitude instead of lack.

3. Be bold.

During one of our phone conversations, Janine came right out and said, “I miss your zucchini bread. Can I have some?” Janine asked for what she wanted. My sister has taught me to step up and speak up boldly. Never feel self-conscious about being honest about your needs and desires. She got that loaf of zucchini bread within a couple of days.

4. Determination and grit pay off.

A few summers ago, doctors gave Janine only the slightest odds of survival as she battled a life-threatening infection. Our family helplessly stood by as she spent a week in an unconscious state, but we all knew she was a survivor and kept reminding her of that fact. Janine opened her eyes on a Sunday and announced that she was ready to go home. She worked hard in physical therapy to regain the use of her limbs and was home within two weeks.

She taught me that if we remain determined, we can conquer the toughest odds.

5. Hugs are priceless.

We grew up in a household of non-huggers. It took me years to overcome the awkwardness of hugging others as an adult, but Janine knew the value of a hug from day one. Witnessing her ability to connect and express caring through hugging taught me to do the same.

If you ever met my sister, you knew to always expect a hug–one that comes from the heart.

6. Forgiveness trumps anger and resentment.

Janine and her friend had been inseparable throughout their entire adulthood until difficult times tore them apart. It was devastating. What some may find unforgivable, Janine and her friend were able to set aside within weeks. Janine didn't not like feeling angry, so she chose not to.

I believe that her ability to release the burden of anger is one of the reasons that she had a happy life, so I follow in those footsteps.

7. Don't let life's struggles keep you down.

There is no time limit on grief, but I wasn't sure about Janine's future happiness when she encountered three devastating losses within two months. Silly me. Sure, there was an adjustment period and while she continued to grieve, as any of us would, she found joy again in no time.

Through Janine, I learned to look for joy to lift me out of the pain of loss.

8. Grieving is healthy.

Like most anyone, Janine mourned the loss of our parents. If I mentioned our mother in a conversation, Janine would sometimes cry and say she wanted mom back. While it was gut-wrenching in one moment, laughter filled the next.

Like Janine, we can all find the strength to face grief head-on without shame or embarrassment. Like Janine, we can find happiness again. Somehow, keeping that knowledge in my heart makes difficult times just a little more bearable.

9. We all make mistakes; it's what happens afterward that's important.

When Janine acted out or her stubborn resistance sets in, she would be the first to say, “I blew it.” She apologized when appropriate and worked on changing her behavior. Then, she would let go and gracefully slip right back into her happy state.

Janine showed me how to embrace my mistakes, learn from them, and move on.

Remember, when life challenges you, it doesn't serve us to focus on the pain and struggle. It's how you find your way through it and what you take away from the experience that matters most

I'll never need to say goodbye to Janine because through these life lessons and so much more, I'll carry her love and spirit in my heart forever. And I hope you will too…

The post My Sister Lived with Down Syndrome, and She Taught Me These Life Lessons appeared first on Marla Tabaka.

Now is the time to grow–as a human being and an entrepreneur.

What emotions do you have going on? What have I missed from this list to the left?

As if the pandemic itself isn’t enough to deal with, the emotions associated with these times add a whole different dimension.

Pandemics only happen in the movies.

The end of life as we know it isn’t supposed to happen until an impossible-to-imagine futuristic date.

All of this is foreign—to every human being on the planet.

It only makes sense that along with the unknowns of this “flu” epidemic, you would have many emotions that feel just as mysterious.

People are feeling things they’ve never before felt at such egregious depths. It’s difficult to understand some of these emotions, and even more difficult to figure out how to manage them

One day, you think you’ve made it over the proverbial emotional hump.

Yet, the next morning you wake up feeling even more anxious than you were last week.

What’s up with that?

Well, that’s just how grief works. Yes, I said grief. We tend to associate grief with death, but grief is really about loss. And, the world has lost so much. Not only have we lost people we love and/or admire, we’ve lost things we’ve come to depend on and expect.

• • The familiarity of routine.
  • The closeness of friends and family.
  • The opportunity to keep your business on track to reach your vision.
  • Social activities.
  • The luxury and convenience of dining out.
  • Travel.
  • Enjoying local activities.
  • The chance to celebrate holidays in traditional ways.
  • A sense of control of our daily lives and our future.
  • And, everything that this list is missing for you.

Of course, you are grieving! Yet, instead of hearing, “Marla, I’m grieving, and I want to figure out how to process and honor that.”

I hear, “I should not feel this bad; others have it so much worse than I do.” And, “I wish I could be stronger.”

I hear guilt and shame associated with what is only natural and to be expected at this time—grief. The right to grieve is not hidden away in some kind of elusive shelter, only to be accessed by those who have lost a loved one. Today, the right to grieve is for you. It is for everyone.

Emotions don't make you weak, they make you human.

Processing your grief begins with permission. No matter what your situation, it’s ok to take some downtime to recognize and eventually heal from your emotions.

Minimize your guilt as much as possible by knowing that you are doing the best you can considering the circumstances before you. Be kind to yourself, acknowledge you have a right to your feelings. Everyone does.

Journal about it.

Write it out, baby! Everything! Your journal is a safe space to say how you really feel. Some people aren’t comfortable with talking about their negative feelings, thinking that they need to remain positive. Expressing the negative thoughts paves the way to positivity. Writing about or stating your fears out loud will not make them come true. It’s persistent negativity that leads us down a less desirable path.

As you journal, turn your thoughts around by stating the potentially positive outcome as well as your fears. It may take a while to achieve this, and that is perfectly fine.

Find joy.

Yes, you heard me right. There are things you love doing that you can still do, even in isolation. There are precious moments in conversations, nature, interaction with your children, friendship, music, and even feel-good things in social media. Capture those moments and appreciate them. Feel them in your heart. Plant a smile on your face. Allowing yourself to feel the good helps to balance the bad.

Lean on someone.

I’m here for you and so are many other professionals who can help you through these times. Don’t restrict your conversations and your intake of information to the (many) negative factors of Covid-19. This is a time for self-growth. Let’s all come out of this as stronger, kinder, and more emotionally intelligent human beings. Find someone to support you on this journey!

The post That Heart-Wrenching Emotion You’re Feeling? It’s Grief appeared first on Marla Tabaka.

The first time I saw it, I really didn’t give much thought to the movie's name, or the statement made by a key character in reference to losing a loved one: “Make sure to notice the collateral beauty.” Beauty resulting from a painful loss? Can there be such a thing? One might initially be incensed by such a suggestion, but in healing there is beauty. And yes, we might even find the beauty in the otherwise heart-breaking consequences of loss.

I’ve experienced a number of seemingly insurmountable losses, as many of us have. While drowning in the darkness and isolation in the months that followed, I made a commitment to myself, and to the beloved person who was no longer at my side. I refused to allow the pain associated with their death to become the main focus, rather than the impact they’d had on my life. I would, in some way, honor them and the time we had together. I would find what I can now see as collateral beauty.

When my husband died only 3 weeks after our twin daughters turned 8 years old, I began journaling. Putting words to my feelings, fears, and loneliness helped me experience my grief in a healing way, rather than continually wallow in it. Journaling led to a practice of gratitude–and eventually the study of spirituality and metaphysics. Over the years I evolved into a stronger, more intentional, and peaceful individual. I noticed the beauty in things I’d never seen before. I saw life in variations of color, instead of black or white. And, after a 10-year study of life, mindset mastery, and spirituality (one that will never end) I became a coach who would help people through challenges of their own.

Prior to my husband’s death, I did what people do: work, parent, love, and hope. After his death, I learned to live through my heart, speak from my wisdom, and rely on my unshakable faith. Eventually, I would help others do the same.

We all must grieve in our own way, on our own timeline. No one can tell us what will happen in the months and years to come, but we get to make some healing choices when we’re ready.

Don't neglect your grief but also journal about the good things: memories, forced changes that may be good for you, self-growth, greater connection to yourself and a higher power (if you believe), and the paths that are now available to you.

Take long walks in nature and open your eyes to notice things you may not have seen before. It helped me to seek out things that were larger than my life. It filled my heart with wonder, giving me a brief respite from my grief. I'd never seen the world in this way, so for me, this was one aspect of the collateral beauty.

Do something meaningful to honor your loved ones. I, unfortunately, had a horrible series of experiences at the hospital while I was at my husband's side. I had a friend who was a hospital social worker and she arranged several speaking engagements attended by medical professionals. I talked about the significance of their actions and how they can make a difference in someone's life. That difference can create tragic memories or great comfort–their choice. There was never a dry eye in the house when I spoke of our journey through the medical system. This empowered me and pulled me out of an aspect of grief that felt uncontrollable to me. My husband's death provided me with the opportunity to perhaps save other families from unnecessary pain.

There is collateral beauty in loss and grief, and perhaps simply knowing that can bring us through those moments of excruciating pain. It can give us something to hold on to, beyond memories of the past—because, it’s the future that brings hope and new beginnings.

The post Grief Completely Sucks. Look For the Collateral Beauty to Find Hope Again appeared first on Marla Tabaka.