It’s not something you find in a spreadsheet or strategy session. It’s the subconscious pattern behind how we respond to change, pressure, conflict, tough decisions, or even success. Your emotional strategy shows up in the heat of the moment—when a plan unravels, when feedback stings, or when uncertainty looms. It’s the subconscious pattern behind how we respond to change, pressure, conflict, tough decisions, or even success.

Everyone has an emotional strategy, but here’s the kicker: most people have never taken the time to examine theirs.

As a leader, understanding your own emotional strategy—and helping your team understand theirs—is one of the most underrated tools for building a strong, emotionally intelligent workplace. In fact, I’d argue it’s essential for sustainable leadership and personal growth.

What Is an Emotional Strategy?

An emotional strategy is your go-to emotional response when you're triggered, challenged, or stretched.

It’s the inner program that runs when things don’t go according to plan:

• Do you get defensive?
• Do you shut down?
• Do you take on too much?
• Do you fixate on worst-case scenarios?
• Do you lash out, people-please, or blame others?

These emotional responses aren’t flaws—they’re strategies your brain has learned over time to stay safe. The trouble comes when they go unexamined. What may have helped you survive earlier in life can sabotage your ability to lead, grow, and thrive today. Think of it as your operating system for handing emotions.

Why Emotional Strategy Matters in Leadership

Leadership isn’t just about vision, execution, and results. It’s also about regulation, communication, and modeling the emotional tone for your team.

Leaders with unexamined emotional strategies tend to:

• React impulsively rather than respond thoughtfully
• Create emotionally unsafe environments for themselves and their team (even unintentionally)
• Avoid difficult conversations
• Misinterpret their team’s behavior as laziness or incompetence

Leaders who understand their emotional strategy tend to:

• Pause before reacting
• Lead with empathy and clarity
• Create space for others to grow through mistakes
• Model emotional resilience during change and uncertainty

In other words: when you know your emotional strategy, you stop being run by it.

How to Identify Your Emotional Strategy (and Others’)

Self-awareness is the first step. Start by observing your emotional patterns in challenging moments. Ask yourself:

• What emotions come up most often under pressure? (Fear, anger, shame, overwhelm?)
• What do I tend to do next? (Withdraw, control, blame, fix, freeze?)
• Where did I learn this pattern? (Was it modeled for me by a parent, mentor, or early boss?)
• Is this strategy still working for me—or is it keeping me stuck?

To spot emotional strategies in others, watch for:

• Repeating patterns when things go wrong
• Reactions that seem out of proportion
• Avoidance of certain tasks or conversations
• Emotional shutdown. blaming, or over-explaining

Once you’ve identified a pattern, don’t label or diagnose—get curious.

How to Talk About Emotional Operating Systems with Your Team

Helping someone explore their emotional strategy is a gift—but it requires trust, tact, and timing.

Here’s how to approach it:

1. Lead with Empathy and Ownership

“I’ve noticed that when we’re in tight deadlines, I tend to get anxious and over-function. I’ve been working on that. I’m also wondering how that dynamic plays out for you?”

1. Use Neutral, Observational Language

“In a few meetings now, I’ve noticed that when feedback gets tense, you get really quiet. That’s not wrong or bad—I just want to check in. What’s going on for you in those moments?”

1. Ask Open-Ended Questions
   • “What’s your internal response when projects take a sharp turn?”
   • “What’s your first instinct under pressure?”
   • “What kind of support helps you the most when things feel chaotic?”
2. Normalize the Conversation

“We all have emotional patterns—we're just trying to bring more awareness to them so we can grow stronger as a team.”

Practical Ways to Improve Your Emotional Operating System

• Practice the Pause
  Create a habit of taking 3–5 deep breaths before responding to emotionally charged situations. I call this, Practicing the Pause.
• Use Reflective Journaling
  Encourage team members (and yourself) to write down what they felt and how they reacted after high-stress events. Pattern recognition begins here.
• Debrief After the Storm
  After challenges, ask: “How did we handle that emotionally?” not just “What did we learn operationally?”
• Offer Emotional Vocabulary Training
  The better your team can name their emotions, the less likely they are to be ruled by them. (“I feel overwhelmed” is more productive than “I’m just pissed.”)
• Model Repair Conversations
  Leaders who admit when their emotional strategy took over—and talk about how they’re growing—create a culture of safety and self-awareness.

Final Thought: Everyone Has a Strategy—Few Know It

Emotional intelligence isn’t just about staying calm or being nice. It’s about understanding how your emotions operate and helping others do the same.

The emotional strategy you and your team bring into work each day is either helping or hindering your growth. The good news? These strategies are adaptable. They’re based on wiring—but wiring can be rewired.

Start the conversation. Model the awareness. Make emotional growth part of the strategy—not just the culture.

The post Emotional Strategy: The Secret to Better Leadership and Team Performance appeared first on Marla Tabaka.

We know that stress builds upon stress. The longer you allow stress to run your thoughts, actions, and behaviors, the more it becomes your default setting. You wake up in the morning, and your brain instantly searches for what is wrong in your life rather than right. Your mind cannot focus on the joyful aspects of life; your kids, friends and family, good health, or whatever you treasure. Before you know it, stress dictates your decisions, and happiness takes a back seat to worry, fear, and anxiety. Not an excellent way to live—for you or the people who love and care for you.

It's time to increase your happiness factor!

While we know that proper diet and exercise, going to a therapist, taking vacations, being present in the moment, and all the other things that are good for us decrease stress, they all require life change. Today's happiness-inducing tips take seconds to minutes, and that's all. You can incorporate these little actions into your life without interrupting your day. These new habits are simple to attain yet powerful. Refrain from dismissing these little gems as too easy to be true and effective!

Happiness comes with a smile.

That's right. Endless research shows that the simple act of an ear-to-ear smile immediately impacts your state of mind. You see, a smile spurs a chemical reaction in the brain, releasing certain hormones, including dopamine and serotonin, the happiness hormones. When you smile, your brain automatically assumes something humorous is happening and responds accordingly. And here's more good news: your brain doesn't know if you're smiling because you genuinely feel happy or if you're pretending. That's right, fake it until you make it.

Does your brain come to life in the morning with stressful thoughts, dread, frustration, or fear? Interrupt that pattern with an ear-to-ear smile. Okay, it may feel goofy to lie in bed smiling at the ceiling, but I kid you not; it's extremely effective. Give it a try! And when you're ready to take things to the next level, find something to laugh about!

Increase happiness when you put a little vacation in every day.

I felt a sinking sensation during my corporate years before I got on the commuter train each morning. It was as though my life wasn't my own once I boarded that train. One day I realized that, between being a single mom and working a demanding job, I had very little of my own time, so of course, I dreaded going to work. So, I decided to change that feeling, even for only a few minutes a day.

I began leaving the house 20 minutes early (no small feat with stunt-loving toddler twins around), but I made it happen. I used that 20 minutes at my morning commute's front or back end. Sometimes, I stopped in the little coffee shop at the station and either laughed and chatted with the owners and other customers or took my coffee to a bench under a tree. There, I focused on the feel-good aspect of being alone; the sweet sound of the birds talking or whatever made my heart feel good.

Other times, I would go out of my way to walk along Lake Michigan to get to work. I would stop in the satellite department store near the train station downtown or browse in a bookshop—things I would do if I were on vacation.

Now, I work from home. I take frequent 5-minute breaks to gaze into my beautiful koi pond or even pull a few weeds (it's meditative!). I'll play with one of our pets or laugh over something silly with my daughters. Other times I'll stop in the middle of the day for something more time-consuming: a massage, a long walk in the woods, a pedicure, or a bit of retail therapy.

I refer to these mini breaks as my way to put a little vacation in every day. This time reminds you that you can escape the stress and daily demands to make yourself feel special and at peace. Make it a rule. Put a little vacation in each and every day!

Show some gratitude.

If a pill could simulate the effects of gratitude, everyone would be taking it. Again, there are countless studies on gratitude's mental and physical benefits. We know that feeling thankful can improve sleep, mood, and immunity. Gratitude can decrease depression, anxiety, chronic pain difficulties, and disease risk.

Gratitude and happiness go hand in hand. But I'm not talking about a robotic recital of a gratitude list. We're all (hopefully) grateful for the important and good things in our lives. Make your gratitude memorable with this simple practice.

Step one is to actively look for simple things that bring joy to your heart. This step requires intention and practice, but this gratitude practice will retrain your brain to focus on the good rather than the stressful stuff.

If you leave the house for an errand or a walk (Walk your dogs! It's a great break for both of you!), watch for the simple things that bring you a moment of pleasure: a beautiful flower, a sweet interaction between a parent and child, a pleasant smell in the air. These are simple pleasures you're looking for, nothing big and life-changing.

You get the idea. This exercise is a highly effective way to practice being present in the moment and teach your brain to seek happiness, not misery.

Step two in the gratitude exercise:

Spend just 5-minutes every night recording your moments of pleasure in a gratitude journal. No cheating! Again, this isn't about the things that you're grateful for; this is about seeking out simple reasons for happiness. You don't have to write a book; a basic sentence or two is perfect.

As you record these special moments, allow your heart to feel them all over again. Going to bed happy provides many benefits, including a more peaceful night's sleep.

Perform random acts of kindness.

I was checking out at Trader Joe's (one of my happy places) a couple of weeks ago. The cashier was a young woman who happily chatted with each customer and did her job joyfully. I don't recall the questions I asked her, but I learned that this happy woman worked three jobs! I asked when she found time for rest, and she responded, “Girl! I've got goals; the time for rest is later!” She went on to say that she loves all of her jobs and is saving so she has the financial means to make her dreams come true.

I was so taken with this magical personality that I went home, grabbed some cash, put it in an envelope with a little note, and returned to the store to give it to her. I told her it was my small way of contributing to her dreams. I can't get the image of her joyful spirit out of my mind. I'm still riding this roller coaster two weeks later.

Along with your gratitude practice, keep your eyes open for small ways to be there for someone else:

• Help someone put groceries in their car.
• Send an employee home early as a special treat.
• Show your appreciation to someone amazing.
• Put a little love note in your child's lunch.
• Surprise a friend by leaving flowers on their doorstep.

Get silly and move!

Just like a smile, shifting your physical state of stress invites your body and brain to feel good. What we call a state change in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) means to change your body radically – to move into a powerful state. Change your posture, facial expression, and breathing. Move to another room, or stand up and strike a Superman pose!

When I began public speaking, I was petrified. It was about more than just getting up on a stage but about creating a presentation powerful enough for an audience to appreciate and benefit from. My anxiety would put a freeze on my creativity. In fact, it crippled my brain! So, I put my knowledge to work. Here are a few of the exercises; they are simple (even goofy) yet effective.

When you're overwhelmed to the point of being frozen, shift to an empowering state to generate happiness and confidence.

Stand tall, and walk around the room while reciting empowering affirmations. Use a strong, confident voice and your hands and arms to accentuate the words. Here are some of the affirmations I used. Before long, I didn't need to do this exercise because I trained my brain to know I was confident, experienced, and strong.

Short and simple affirmations for happiness and confidence.

• I AM an expert!
• I bring value to my audience (or whatever you're doing)!
• I am a great entrepreneur!
• I have everything it takes to succeed at this!
• My voice is powerful and knowing!
• I am confident, capable, and wise!

Remember, use your body, exaggerate your movements, and emphasize key words in your affirmations.

Baby steps. That's all it takes to bring a bit of joy and happiness to your heart. Don't wait for success, don't think you have to make massive life changes. Keep it simple and do it now.

The post Happiness Matters. 5 Fast and Easy Ways to Increase Your Happiness Factor appeared first on Marla Tabaka.

As a business coach, I have an opportunity to help affected business owners with their depression and to consider that their mysteriously dark thoughts and behaviors come from the depression they usually don't even know they have. The reason you may not think of it as depression is that if you see yourself as high functioning and expect yourself to ‘buck up,' as entrepreneurs do, you may be aware that you don't feel great, but you'll chalk it up to stress and other factors that don't include depression. With depression in entrepreneurs at a rate of 30 percent, this is truly a silent epidemic.

Why is depression in entrepreneurs so prevalent?

I can identify many reasons for the epidemic proportions of depression in entrepreneurs, and I'm confident that researchers have identified many more. The thoughts and information in this article come from nearly twenty years of successfully coaching small business owners; I am not a therapist. Here are the depression-triggering facts I witness most often.

Some entrepreneurs are predisposed to mental illness.

Many studies argue that some entrepreneurs are predisposed to mental illness, including depressive tendencies. The same qualities that make you an outstanding entrepreneur: creativity, ability to pivot, empathy, independence, visionary, and crisis-management skills may be rooted in negative life experiences. If you have experienced any level of trauma in your past, it likely resulted in many negative beliefs about yourself and the world around you. Experiences of failure, shame, perfectionism, and emotional or physical abuse, lead to anxiety and self-doubt, which can lead to varying levels of depression.

However, even if you were blessed with an idyllic childhood and a life relatively free of trauma, it does not disqualify you from depressive tendencies. The risks and uncertainty that come with the emotional rollercoaster that is a founder's life can be enough to push us to the brink of a breakdown. There is tremendous pressure to succeed from both internal and external sources. Mostly, entrepreneurs are hardest on themselves.

What are the primary stressors that lead to depression in entrepreneurs?

Aside from the above, the climate of the business world is quite harsh. There's competition, lack of funding, employees and candidates who ghost business owners, managing others, client issues, and rapidly advancing technologies that take money and education to keep up. As a founder, you have a world of weight on your shoulders and little opportunity to go off-grid to escape the crazy.

As though the external challenges aren't enough, they are compounded by negative self-talk and beliefs that can make you feel incapable or undeserving. Skim through my other blogs and Inc.com articles for more on this mindset and what to do about it.

Why it's difficult to spot depression in yourself.

If you've lived with depression for any length of time, it's hard to identify if your moods, thoughts, and behaviors are “just who you are” or symptoms of depression. Also, you're busy; who has time to slow down to evaluate this problem? Lastly, what if you discover you are depressed? That's scary, right?

The good news is that therapy, a good life and business coach, a healthier lifestyle, alternative treatments, and possibly (but not always) medication can resolve most issues. Why live a life of anxiety, high stress, and sad thoughts if you don't have to? It used to be taboo to discuss mental health; luckily, those days are gone.

How to spot depression in yourself.

Pay attention to your thoughts and moods. Prolonged sadness, anger, and frustration may be signs that you are depressed.

You're tired. Of course, you are, but depression comes with a whole new level of fatigue. Pay attention to your energy patterns.

Poor concentration. You may believe that what I call entrepreneurial ADHD comes with the territory. That's not always true. Your habits, beliefs, and lack of clarity contribute to poor concentration.

You may have a lack of appetite and trouble sleeping. Watch for any change in mood, habits, or attitudes that don't feel good to you.

Do you drink more alcohol than you'd like to admit?

A drink or two takes the edge off, but note if your drinking (or other self-medicating) habits have increased. This could be a sign that your coping mechanisms are over-taxed.

Indecisiveness and overwhelming feelings that muddy up your clarity.

Sometimes these feelings get so big that we shut down and use productive procrastination to avoid thinking about strategy and gaining clarity. Sometimes, even the most basic decisions feel overwhelming.

You don't feel like spending time with others.

You are excluding yourself from everyday social situations and avoiding others. This could be happening because your stress and depressive tendencies are taking up all of your energy. It's challenging to make small talk when you're facing tough problems.

Resolving depression in entrepreneurs.

The first step for anyone is to recognize that you aren't happy and are not alone, even though you may feel lonely. Many of your peers have gone or are going through bouts of depression. Society expects entrepreneurs to be tough and resilient, but we are all human with feelings, needs, and limits.

Try to put things in perspective.

Every problem becomes amplified when the brain is operating in a depressed state. Our stress bucket becomes full, and any minor issue can create an overflow. We also have negative recordings that yell at us from inside our heads; I'm not good or smart enough, I don't deserve success, I'm going to fail, so many people are counting on me, I can't let them down. I have many articles on my site about “BullShifting™” negative thinking. Check this one out.

Think about all the problems you've resolved in the past.

When we're involved in an anxiety-inducing issue, it feels like the world's weight is crashing upon us. You've felt this way before; what happened then? Most often, our worst fears don't manifest themselves. Even if they do, there are few circumstances from which we don't recover. You've probably faced heavier challenges and made it to the other side.

If simple positive mindset shifts are not helping your depression, please find a professional to work with for a while. If your depression is deep and long-lasting, interview some therapists to find one who resonates with your belief system. A coach with training and experience working with entrepreneurs is a great choice to complement therapy or as a stand-alone approach if you believe treatment is unnecessary. A good, ethical coach will gently nudge you toward therapeutic assistance if your situation is beyond their scope of practice.

Remember your mission and vision; you have a purpose to achieve. Ask for help so you can be happy in life and business and get to your goals efficiently. It's just better that way.

The post The Silent Epidemic: Depression in Entrepreneurs appeared first on Marla Tabaka.

As an entrepreneur, you must make tough choices, sometimes under unexpected circumstances. While we all experience and process each situation on our own timeline and in our own way, there are a few things you can do for an added measure of self-care.

Before making a tough decision, create your support system.

When we are in distress, we often forget to help ourselves in nurturing ways—or inform others how to help us.

When I made the gut-wrenching decision to leave a career I loved, I knew I would need to lean on others. It was time to walk away from the television broadcasting industry that I’d been part of all my adult life, but what would I do with my life after television?

Before formalizing this tough decision, I made an appointment at the local career center to learn about my options. I took the Meyer’s Briggs and other assessments at the community college; I reached out to my network to ask for connections, and I let my friends and family know that I would need some fun distractions from my quest to find a new beginning. These measures offered me a softer landing when I made an emotional exit from the only career I’d ever known.

Consider what might be needed and what would feel good to you during a stressful period in your life and ask for support. Making decisions and plans like these ahead of time will offer you a softer landing.

Plan for the inevitable.

I find a significant amount of our stress comes from doubting our choices and taking the big step of making the final decision. A situation I often experience with the entrepreneurs I coach is the unwillingness to let go of an unproductive or difficult employee. As the business grows, longtime employees may not be capable of growing with it. As employers, we understand the struggle an employee may encounter when facing unemployment. Feelings get involved and doubt sets in. Yet, once the entrepreneur decides to release an employee who isn’t performing or is not a good culture fit, good things happen—usually for the employer and the employee.

Give some thought to the decisions you may have to make in the future. Apply this formula:

If x and y happen, I will move to z, my final decision. In this scenario, if this employee fails to meet the requirements discussed in our meeting and doesn’t change their toxic attitude, I will let them go. This kind of planning lessens the possibility of emotional reasoning getting in the way of your ability to make a sound, albeit tough, decision. This process is especially helpful in big life decisions like managing the well-being of someone who can no longer make decisions on their own.

Find the collateral beauty.

I loved being the owner of a thriving independent coffeehouse. All of it, but the stress of running a brick-and-mortar business, the financial concerns, and 15 young, not-so-reliable employees—all while being the single parent of two teenagers.

As I always say, being an entrepreneur can be lonely, so I hired a business coach to help me with direction and clarity. That experience turned into so much more than I’d anticipated. It ultimately led to my current career, which turned out to be my life purpose and passion. Still, I had to make the difficult decision to sell my amazing coffeehouse so I could go to school and build my coaching practice.

The movie, Collateral Beauty, offers an unusual viewpoint of loss. There are aspects of even our most difficult experiences that are beautiful if we open our minds to a broader perspective. Selling the coffeehouse, while painful as I let go of my community of friends and a place I’d come to know as a sanctuary. It felt nearly unbearable; still, letting go provided me the growth opportunity of a lifetime. My coach offered to mentor me and supply me with pro bono clients. I’d added another layer of wisdom that comes with failures and successes, and this knowledge would support me in helping other entrepreneurs. I met people who would remain in my life for many years beyond the coffeehouse. I have memories of all the musicians and artists I helped by providing them a place to showcase their talents. Although I was grieving for the home-away-from-home I’d lost, my life was rich with joyful memories and more.

Use the oxygen mask theory.

We’ve all sat through the redundant safety messages on commercial flights. “Ladies and gentlemen, “Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the mask over your own mouth and nose before assisting others.” Why? Because you can’t help anyone if you’re unconscious.

Sometimes life gets tough just before we must make a dreaded decision. The stress and concern build up, making you emotional as your next steps become clear as mud. When your body’s energy and oxygen become consumed by its survival mechanism, your brain does not function well. The energy consumption leads to a sense of overwhelm, confusion, and many emotions.

Somehow, we become martyrs during a crisis, refusing comfort and help from others and neglecting our own needs. These sacrifices do not aid anyone involved in the situation and certainly don’t benefit you. Slow down, create space, eat as well as you can, and do what is needed to ensure proper rest.

One thing I know for sure. When we create the smoothest path possible, we have greater clarity and energy to get to the other side of our decisions. Once there, we can pick up our lives and begin to release whatever problems and pain the situation has brought into our lives.

The post How to Make Tough Decisions Bearable–and With Clarity appeared first on Marla Tabaka.

Here's what may be going on, and how you can make it better.

1. Others don't understand the entrepreneurial dreams or mindset.

Let's face it, entrepreneurs are a breed unto themselves. You are willing to take emotional and financial risks to attain the dream. You strive for freedom but often work sixty-plus hour weeks. The passion runs so deep that others can't possibly know how it feels.

Entrepreneurs frequently tell me how much they love their partner and friends, but people who don't relate to an entrepreneurial mindset may not be able to support you as you like and need.  You may be looking in the wrong place for the camaraderie and encouragement you seek from those in your personal life.

Solution: Find like-minded supporters.

Spend time with other entrepreneurs. There are groups out there for most any interest. Sharing stories, brainstorming, and lending your expertise will give you a dose of the mental and emotional stimulation you crave. The assistance of a great coach or mentor is strongly advised to aid you in creating this balance.

2. They feel robbed of your attention.

The important people in your life may feel deprived of your attention. It's tough to admit this, so they may cite something else as the problem, become argumentative, or go into avoidance mode. This creates confusion because you can't possibly find a solution to a problem that you haven't properly identified.  Oftentimes, loved ones will say they support you, but their actions don't match their words. This is particularly true if your attention is lopsided, in favor of your business. Sometimes things get so bad at home that the entrepreneur hides behind the business to avoid facing the issues at home or in their friendships.

Solution: Create balance and avoid making promises you may not be able to keep.

Broken promises are a brutal blow to our loved ones and will cause their feelings to deepen with disappointment. Have you told your significant other that the business won't disrupt your household or relationship? You know that's not true. Do you miss out on plans or constantly run late?

If you find yourself begging forgiveness for broken promises, then something must change.  Be honest, realistic, and forthright rather than avoiding the truth in fear of backlash or disappointing them. It's only fair that they know what they're dealing with. Learn to work on your business instead of in your business and create processes to expedite and organize things so you can spend more time with your loved ones. You might find they become more supportive when they don’t feel second to your business.

3. They are more risk averse than you are.

When entrepreneurs sink time and money into a business it changes the financial landscape of the household. Savings decrease, debt increases, and lifestyle luxuries go by the wayside. Your partner may be focused on dollars in the bank today, while you're focused on a larger fortune down the road.  Spouses sometimes feel resentful, especially if they cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Your dream may require them to work harder to make ends meet, placing the burden of financial survival on their shoulders while you “squander away the money.”

Solution: Have a solid financial plan and share it with them. 

Many entrepreneurs begin their business as a sole proprietor. As things grow and problems arise (because they will), it's difficult to slow down enough to create a plan. A business without a plan leads to a lack of clarity and direction. I'm not a fan of full-blown business plans unless an investor is involved, but a basic financial forecast and growth strategy is a must. These plans will help those who love you feel more secure about your investment.

4. They are afraid for you.

No one who loves you wants to see you hurt. While they may not understand your vision and commitment, they do understand how much your entrepreneurial dreams mean to you. They probably hear about your fears and problems, but do you communicate any positive development and wins? You may feel like you've got this, but they cannot be inside your head, so they don't feel as confident as you do. This doesn't mean they don't believe in you; they just don't see the big picture as you do.

Solution: Be conscious of how you communicate.

Sometimes it feels good to vent; to express your fears and unburden yourself when things aren't going well. So, you dump on your loved one and leave them feeling your pain. It's good to vent but make sure it's balanced by expressing a positive outlook or something that will help to resolve their concern. Of course, they will worry for and about you. Many entrepreneurs have come to me after years of using their spouse as a sounding board, only to realize it's ineffective and stressful for both parties. Again, a coach or someone else who can fill this role is a good way to go. Not to exclude others, but to balance the load.

One more important note: Never make assumptions about the meaning behind your loved one's seemingly negative actions. Reading messages into another's behavior is a fine way to create unnecessary trouble for the relationship. The key to success and feeling supported is to communicate clearly and to remember that support is a two-way street.

The post 4 Reasons Your Partner Isn’t Fully Supportive of Your Entrepreneurial Dreams (and What to Do About It) appeared first on Marla Tabaka.

First, let’s get something straight: there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no timeline or deadline. Grief pours into every crevasse of our lives; it is not a linear process. With that said, if a significant life change or a loss creates a chronic condition that won’t stop negatively impacting your emotional well-being, you probably need help looking at the deeper meaning.

A necessary part of the human experience is the inevitable pain of loss, illness, and unwelcome change. Your method of handling life events is based on your beliefs and how you perceive yourself. If, for instance, you experienced abandonment or the loss of a parent in your youth, you may be hypersensitive to loss. You may, for example, believe that those you love will eventually disappear from your life. On the other hand, your friend who has not loved and lost may grieve and appear to move on with comparative ease.

The challenge with differing beliefs is that it’s difficult to fathom the other person’s point of view. You can’t imagine your brain working that way. I remember experiencing this when my mom passed away. My heart was breaking; the loss felt unbearable. My siblings managed their emotions differently. “What did you think would happen? She was 92 years old,” one brother said to me. I viewed his remark as insensitive, and I couldn’t understand why he didn’t miss mom as much as I did.

Since then, I’ve learned that he does miss her; he simply found a different (less painful) path to acceptance. I misinterpreted his acceptance as a lack of love because I couldn’t imagine how he could love our mother and cope well with the loss. It felt as though these two experiences could not co-exist. I was wrong.

Do you find that things like loss, conflict, unwelcome change, and difficult news seem beyond your ability to manage emotionally? Does the deep pain and worry stay with you for years, often spiking, surprising you with deep, painful emotions at unexpected times? Suppose this harms your mental well-being. It may be helpful to look at how your personal paradigm was formed and whether you can shift your perspective. I’ve done this countless times over the years, and the experience is life-altering.

For me, loss has been the most challenging of life events to manage. Even the loss of one of my beloved dogs haunted me for many years. Friends who moved away, breaking up with someone I’ve dated, and most certainly the pain of loss when my husband and mother passed seemed insurmountable. I knew that my level of ongoing grief was not within normative values. It had a negative impact on my life in many ways. Something had to change, so I found help.

What I learned about myself is that loss threatened my sense of safety and well-being. My dog, Cooper, for instance, entered our lives only months after my husband passed. For five years, Cooper and I walked in the woods almost every day while I cried, vented, and created a new life for myself. Cooper was a vessel for my deepest emotions and a catalyst to my healing. On a subconscious level, I believed that losing him after only five years was a threat to my well-being and a stab in the back at my attempt to build a new life for my young children and me. He held my grief and my dreams; what now?

My mother was my best friend. We laughed and cried together. Mom rescued me from disaster on more than one occasion. Again subconsciously, losing her meant that my security and safety were next to go.

It’s natural to feel the pain of loss; it becomes a part of who you are. But when it threatens your mental health and ability to thrive, it’s a problem. However, you can create internal change that makes life more joyful and helps you find gratitude for all that is.

Remember, grief is not always attached to death. It comes from divorce, loss of a business, estrangement, loss of a job, and so many other life events. Don’t shy away from asking for professional help to assimilate your losses and find balance. Some life coaches are equipped to help you. There are grief counselors and coaches. And certainly, everyone can benefit from therapy.

What steps will you take to heal? Reach out to me; perhaps I can steer you in the right direction.

The post Why Do Others Quickly Recover from Grief, and I Don’t? appeared first on Marla Tabaka.

As a tribute to Janine at this weekends memorial I will read this revised article that was published on Inc.com a few years ago. I hope you find value in the things I learned from my beautiful sister.

As you know, our sister Janine lived with Down syndrome. Every opportunity to spend in the shadow of her joyful spirit was an occasion to learn a valuable life lesson. I want to share some of them with you today…

1. Be considerate of others–no matter what is going on in your own life.

Janine was consistent in her caring attitude and consideration for others, even during the most trying of times. This quality stood out when she was in the hospital in critical condition. Every visitor received a smile, and when Janine was strong enough, she would ask how they were doing. In some cases, she even consoled her friends.

There's always time and energy to be kind, no matter what's going on in our personal world.

2. You don't need to meet social norms to be happy in life.

Marriage, having children, and total independence were out of the question for Janine. While she may have occasionally fanaticized about having a “normal” life, she found contentment and happiness in her reality. A loving boyfriend, good friends, and the people at Five Star were like family. Janine didn't need to lead the life she witnessed others living to feel happy and fulfilled.

Janine taught me to see my life through the lens of gratitude instead of lack.

3. Be bold.

During one of our phone conversations, Janine came right out and said, “I miss your zucchini bread. Can I have some?” Janine asked for what she wanted. My sister has taught me to step up and speak up boldly. Never feel self-conscious about being honest about your needs and desires. She got that loaf of zucchini bread within a couple of days.

4. Determination and grit pay off.

A few summers ago, doctors gave Janine only the slightest odds of survival as she battled a life-threatening infection. Our family helplessly stood by as she spent a week in an unconscious state, but we all knew she was a survivor and kept reminding her of that fact. Janine opened her eyes on a Sunday and announced that she was ready to go home. She worked hard in physical therapy to regain the use of her limbs and was home within two weeks.

She taught me that if we remain determined, we can conquer the toughest odds.

5. Hugs are priceless.

We grew up in a household of non-huggers. It took me years to overcome the awkwardness of hugging others as an adult, but Janine knew the value of a hug from day one. Witnessing her ability to connect and express caring through hugging taught me to do the same.

If you ever met my sister, you knew to always expect a hug–one that comes from the heart.

6. Forgiveness trumps anger and resentment.

Janine and her friend had been inseparable throughout their entire adulthood until difficult times tore them apart. It was devastating. What some may find unforgivable, Janine and her friend were able to set aside within weeks. Janine didn't not like feeling angry, so she chose not to.

I believe that her ability to release the burden of anger is one of the reasons that she had a happy life, so I follow in those footsteps.

7. Don't let life's struggles keep you down.

There is no time limit on grief, but I wasn't sure about Janine's future happiness when she encountered three devastating losses within two months. Silly me. Sure, there was an adjustment period and while she continued to grieve, as any of us would, she found joy again in no time.

Through Janine, I learned to look for joy to lift me out of the pain of loss.

8. Grieving is healthy.

Like most anyone, Janine mourned the loss of our parents. If I mentioned our mother in a conversation, Janine would sometimes cry and say she wanted mom back. While it was gut-wrenching in one moment, laughter filled the next.

Like Janine, we can all find the strength to face grief head-on without shame or embarrassment. Like Janine, we can find happiness again. Somehow, keeping that knowledge in my heart makes difficult times just a little more bearable.

9. We all make mistakes; it's what happens afterward that's important.

When Janine acted out or her stubborn resistance sets in, she would be the first to say, “I blew it.” She apologized when appropriate and worked on changing her behavior. Then, she would let go and gracefully slip right back into her happy state.

Janine showed me how to embrace my mistakes, learn from them, and move on.

Remember, when life challenges you, it doesn't serve us to focus on the pain and struggle. It's how you find your way through it and what you take away from the experience that matters most

I'll never need to say goodbye to Janine because through these life lessons and so much more, I'll carry her love and spirit in my heart forever. And I hope you will too…

The post My Sister Lived with Down Syndrome, and She Taught Me These Life Lessons appeared first on Marla Tabaka.

I am a hopeful, optimistic individual. I can find the silver lining in just about anything, or identify ways to cope–then thrive–when handed a challenge or crisis. This quality is a part of what makes me a great coach since it allows me to help others to do the same.

But guess what? I'm human. I sometimes feel weary and negative, especially during this world-crisis brought on by Covid and the current state of our political affairs. I can confidently say that most people are operating on a less predictable mood cycle nowadays. The turmoil that we've experienced in 2020 took us from an acute fight, flight, or freeze response to the chronic stress phase, which is where we are now. We've done our best to adjust to that awful thing that we're calling “our new norm.”

The adaptability of the human race does not, however, mean that we are thriving.

Many people have come to me, not just feeling down but also experiencing things like shame and/or confusion about their mental (and often physical) state. Some individuals endure daily stressors; others are perplexed because, until now, they were managing just fine. I often hear people say that Covid hasn't affected them much. So, they wonder why all of a sudden do I feel like this?

Between the political division in our country, concerns around the impact of climate change, and the global assault brought on by Covid, we are all climbing an uphill battle. Eventually, no matter how well you have managed the constant disruption to life as you know it, exhaustion sets in. Of course, you feel sad (or whatever it is that you feel). And you and your feelings are entirely normal.

Give yourself permission to feel.

So, you feel sad, angry, lonely, or whatever you are experiencing. Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is that comes up for you. Look what's going on in the world–no one is immune to the impact of a worldwide crisis.

Acceptance is the first step toward changing your mental state. We need “permission” to feel. By acknowledging your feelings, you will push any guilt, shame, and confusion to the curb to make room for healing. Like a petulant child, when emotions are ignored, they only grow louder and become more difficult to tame.

Of course, you do!

Do you feel down? Of course, you do!

Here's a little mindset exercise for you:

Think about how you feel. What negative state is alive inside of your body and mind right now? Name it out loud.

Now say, “I feel [insert feeling here].” Follow that by saying, “Of course, I do, and I have every right to feel this way.”

This helps your mind to acknowledge that there is nothing wrong with you. Given all that has changed in your world, possibly ranging from illness, loss of a loved one, financial problems, stress, covid-worry, or general sadness about the sacrifices you've made, you have every right to be someone other than your “normal” self.

When I respond to my clients' concerns about their emotional state with the magic words, of course, you do, a new awareness and acceptance sets in.  They always feel better by the end of our discussion for many reasons, including:

• They now know that what they are going through is normal; they are not alone.
• They've discovered what is at the core of their feelings and now they can work through them.
• It's a relief to acknowledge negative feelings, rather than stuff them down.
• The energy and motivation to affect change are more accessible.
• There is an acknowledgment that they will feel better; this isn't forever.
• They feel safer.
• Articulating their feelings and the consequences of them somehow frees them from the burden.
• When appropriate, we create a plan to help them feel more empowered. Or, a plan to slow down to contemplate and nurture themselves.

If you are struggling with a myriad of emotions during this time (of course, you are!), seek out support. As little as one conversation with a coach or therapist can make a world of difference. Nurture yourself, because you deserve it.

The post Here’s What to do When Negative Thoughts and Emotions Sneak Up on You appeared first on Marla Tabaka.

Why does it sometimes feel so much easier to walk the path of doubt and negativity, rather than be positive and confident?

The bad news is that our brains are predisposed to negative thinking, and we are more inclined to engage deeply with the resulting emotions. It feels like there's not much to positive emotions because they tell you that everything is okay, so there is no need to think about them for very long. Sad, but true, it's easier to preoccupy the brain with negative thoughts.

“Wait a minute,” you're probably thinking. “You mean I have to deal with these nagging voices in my head forever?”

The answer is yes–and no.

It is possible to get your bullsh!t thoughts (because that's what they are) under control. It takes discipline to challenge your negative thoughts and form new habits, but it will change your life. It will also make your business more profitable.

I call it BullShifting!

Here are a few tips that you'll learn in my BullShift™ Group. If you're a solopreneur who knows your business can be more, but you keep getting stuck, this group is for you.

For now, carve out a few minutes here and there to begin forming these habits. And then, tell me about your success–and challenges!

Separate the B.S. from reality.

One negative incident can override a dozen (ok, a hundred) positive achievements. You have many client success stories, but when one client judges you, all of those achievements go out the window. You'll question yourself, rehash the event, dwell on what you should have done differently, and beat yourself up for it.

Stop!

Start doing this instead: keep a diary of your wins. Put emails from happy customers in a folder for quick access. Entrepreneurs forget their achievements easily, mostly because they don't take time to celebrate them. The next time you doubt yourself go read about all of the things that you have done right. You are a Rockstar, and don't forget it!

Disrupt the loop of negative thinking.

If you spend a good portion of your day thinking trash about yourself and the world around you it will rule your life. Your brain is a computer, and it's up to you to program it. Your negative life experiences have programmed your brain to produce draining loops of unpleasant thoughts. It's automatic and feels easier and more natural than thinking good thoughts, especially about yourself.

There are so many ways to reprogram your brain; my favorite is EFT tapping, and you'll get plenty of that when you join the BullShift™ group. For now, begin to physically change your state when the head trash starts talking.

It can look like going for a walk or run or watching comedy for a good laugh. Or, (and this one is crazy-sounding) get your butt up out of the chair and pace the room repeating positive affirmations—loudly. Stand tall and accentuate your words. Shout it out!

I AM strong, smart, and UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm DAMN good at my work; I'm AMAZING!
No one else can tell me how to feel, I ROCK and I KNOW IT.

Go ahead; no one's around. Give it a try!

Kick catastrophic thinking to the curb.

Oh, how quickly the mind travels down the path of destruction! How often have you felt down or panicked about something that didn't end up as bad as you thought it would be? When your thoughts get out of control–imaging disaster over a positive outcome–ask yourself if these imaginary events are absolutely, positively true. The answer is usually no.

Find the good in the bad.

The goal is to stop your magical negative thinking when something goes wrong, so this may sound counterintuitive. I want you to think about the worst-case scenario. I've been forced to use this strategy many times in life, as I'm sure many of us have. Typically, even an outcome we dread isn't as bad in real life as it is in our fantasy world. In fact, during some of the most devastating times in my life, I've conquered negative thoughts by finding good in the bad when I faced the worst-case scenario.

When your fear is larger than you are, it makes all things impossible. Stand up to your internal bully and look at the truest facts (not your negative magical thinking), ask for help, and be kind to yourself. Your world will be a much better place.

The post How to Stop Negative Thinking. Oh Yes, You Can appeared first on Marla Tabaka.

The Universe delivered, mostly. I guess I wasn’t specific enough in my weather-related request. I got my sunny, 50-degree day, but with winds that made it feel more like a chilly 35.

Still, from the inside of my home, I was able to enjoy the warm caress of the sun all afternoon long. It turned out to be a lovely birthday, with friends who stood on my front lawn bearing gifts of flowers, balloons, sweet local honey, and a delicious dinner.

Soon after my birthday, along came a rainy, windy, cold Mother’s Day. Ok, I have some mad mindset skills, but come on. Two special days, only a couple weeks apart, that I (along with many other moms of adult children) would spend cooped up and alone? Really?

Again, I shifted my mindset and felt fine about “celebrating” the day all by myself. Or, at least I thought so.

It wasn’t until dinner time on Mother’s Day (I made a delicious lasagna and salad) that the loneliness set in. I decided to voice text my daughter and as I began to speak my voice broke. As though some unknown force took over my emotions, a torrent of tears flooded my eyes, ending up in a mushy mess of mascara that ran down my burning cheeks. What the heck? I seriously didn’t know how much emotion I had suppressed. I cried, tapped, and let it out for a few minutes and then I was fine. Thank you, EFT!

There was something to learn from this sudden outburst of emotion, so I did a little internal exploration. Sure enough, a mild Ah-Ha moment came along as I thought about the nature of stress and its effects on the mind.

When the reality of a pandemic hit this country, we were all thrown into a state of acute stress. This is when the survival instinct kicks in because of what our brain believes is an immediate threat to our safety. Extreme reactions are involved, (thus the toilet paper rampage) including heightened anxiety about where we’ve been and who we’ve been exposed to. Will everyone we love survive this virus? Will the world ever be the same? Am I already infected?

Since that initial shock, most of us have transitioned from acute stress to the chronic stress phase: fewer extreme responses, but consistent underlying tension. Most of us know about the physical toll this can take on our bodies, but you may not be quite as aware of the mental toll. Chronic stress can cause certain physical and emotional responses that seem to come out of left field, like what happened to me on Mother’s Day. When symptoms of stress display themselves, it can be confusing.

Acknowledge your chronic stress.

Just last week one of my clients told me that since he’s healthy and his income has remained unaffected, he had no right to complain. Was he right to feel guilt and shame for being down?

Not at all. He has every right to his feelings. We all need to put a voice to our fears.

• No matter how well you’re doing under our current circumstances, your world has changed. Like the rest of us, you have no way of predicting if and when life as you know it will be restored.

Repeat after me: “Of course, I am stressed!”

• Tell your mind and body that it’s ok that you’re not at 100 percent right now. The fact that others are worse off than you are should not diminish your concerns and fears.  To remain healthy, everyone needs to access and experience their unhappy emotions.
• Let go of any guilt or resistance to experiencing whatever it is that you feel. Spend time taking care of yourself during your trek into unchartered territory.
• Most of the world has slowed down, so it’s ok to lower your expectations for a little while. Take breaks. Go for a bike ride or take a walk in the middle of the day. As a result, you'll feel better and be more productive.
• Add some nurturing activities to your day. Listen to a guided meditation at bedtime. Keep a journal to help you explore your thoughts and stress responses.

As they say, we are in this together, and in many ways that’s true. People around the entire globe are experiencing a life that's much different than they could have ever predicted. The inability to concentrate, sleepless nights, fatigue, and everything from sadness to anger are all a part of being human and “in this together.”

The post In the Words of Pink, It Hurts to be Human (During a Pandemic) appeared first on Marla Tabaka.