It’s not something you find in a spreadsheet or strategy session. It’s the subconscious pattern behind how we respond to change, pressure, conflict, tough decisions, or even success. Your emotional strategy shows up in the heat of the moment—when a plan unravels, when feedback stings, or when uncertainty looms. It’s the subconscious pattern behind how we respond to change, pressure, conflict, tough decisions, or even success.

Everyone has an emotional strategy, but here’s the kicker: most people have never taken the time to examine theirs.

As a leader, understanding your own emotional strategy—and helping your team understand theirs—is one of the most underrated tools for building a strong, emotionally intelligent workplace. In fact, I’d argue it’s essential for sustainable leadership and personal growth.

What Is an Emotional Strategy?

An emotional strategy is your go-to emotional response when you're triggered, challenged, or stretched.

It’s the inner program that runs when things don’t go according to plan:

• Do you get defensive?
• Do you shut down?
• Do you take on too much?
• Do you fixate on worst-case scenarios?
• Do you lash out, people-please, or blame others?

These emotional responses aren’t flaws—they’re strategies your brain has learned over time to stay safe. The trouble comes when they go unexamined. What may have helped you survive earlier in life can sabotage your ability to lead, grow, and thrive today. Think of it as your operating system for handing emotions.

Why Emotional Strategy Matters in Leadership

Leadership isn’t just about vision, execution, and results. It’s also about regulation, communication, and modeling the emotional tone for your team.

Leaders with unexamined emotional strategies tend to:

• React impulsively rather than respond thoughtfully
• Create emotionally unsafe environments for themselves and their team (even unintentionally)
• Avoid difficult conversations
• Misinterpret their team’s behavior as laziness or incompetence

Leaders who understand their emotional strategy tend to:

• Pause before reacting
• Lead with empathy and clarity
• Create space for others to grow through mistakes
• Model emotional resilience during change and uncertainty

In other words: when you know your emotional strategy, you stop being run by it.

How to Identify Your Emotional Strategy (and Others’)

Self-awareness is the first step. Start by observing your emotional patterns in challenging moments. Ask yourself:

• What emotions come up most often under pressure? (Fear, anger, shame, overwhelm?)
• What do I tend to do next? (Withdraw, control, blame, fix, freeze?)
• Where did I learn this pattern? (Was it modeled for me by a parent, mentor, or early boss?)
• Is this strategy still working for me—or is it keeping me stuck?

To spot emotional strategies in others, watch for:

• Repeating patterns when things go wrong
• Reactions that seem out of proportion
• Avoidance of certain tasks or conversations
• Emotional shutdown. blaming, or over-explaining

Once you’ve identified a pattern, don’t label or diagnose—get curious.

How to Talk About Emotional Operating Systems with Your Team

Helping someone explore their emotional strategy is a gift—but it requires trust, tact, and timing.

Here’s how to approach it:

1. Lead with Empathy and Ownership

“I’ve noticed that when we’re in tight deadlines, I tend to get anxious and over-function. I’ve been working on that. I’m also wondering how that dynamic plays out for you?”

1. Use Neutral, Observational Language

“In a few meetings now, I’ve noticed that when feedback gets tense, you get really quiet. That’s not wrong or bad—I just want to check in. What’s going on for you in those moments?”

1. Ask Open-Ended Questions
   • “What’s your internal response when projects take a sharp turn?”
   • “What’s your first instinct under pressure?”
   • “What kind of support helps you the most when things feel chaotic?”
2. Normalize the Conversation

“We all have emotional patterns—we're just trying to bring more awareness to them so we can grow stronger as a team.”

Practical Ways to Improve Your Emotional Operating System

• Practice the Pause
  Create a habit of taking 3–5 deep breaths before responding to emotionally charged situations. I call this, Practicing the Pause.
• Use Reflective Journaling
  Encourage team members (and yourself) to write down what they felt and how they reacted after high-stress events. Pattern recognition begins here.
• Debrief After the Storm
  After challenges, ask: “How did we handle that emotionally?” not just “What did we learn operationally?”
• Offer Emotional Vocabulary Training
  The better your team can name their emotions, the less likely they are to be ruled by them. (“I feel overwhelmed” is more productive than “I’m just pissed.”)
• Model Repair Conversations
  Leaders who admit when their emotional strategy took over—and talk about how they’re growing—create a culture of safety and self-awareness.

Final Thought: Everyone Has a Strategy—Few Know It

Emotional intelligence isn’t just about staying calm or being nice. It’s about understanding how your emotions operate and helping others do the same.

The emotional strategy you and your team bring into work each day is either helping or hindering your growth. The good news? These strategies are adaptable. They’re based on wiring—but wiring can be rewired.

Start the conversation. Model the awareness. Make emotional growth part of the strategy—not just the culture.

The post Emotional Strategy: The Secret to Better Leadership and Team Performance appeared first on Marla Tabaka.

We know that stress builds upon stress. The longer you allow stress to run your thoughts, actions, and behaviors, the more it becomes your default setting. You wake up in the morning, and your brain instantly searches for what is wrong in your life rather than right. Your mind cannot focus on the joyful aspects of life; your kids, friends and family, good health, or whatever you treasure. Before you know it, stress dictates your decisions, and happiness takes a back seat to worry, fear, and anxiety. Not an excellent way to live—for you or the people who love and care for you.

It's time to increase your happiness factor!

While we know that proper diet and exercise, going to a therapist, taking vacations, being present in the moment, and all the other things that are good for us decrease stress, they all require life change. Today's happiness-inducing tips take seconds to minutes, and that's all. You can incorporate these little actions into your life without interrupting your day. These new habits are simple to attain yet powerful. Refrain from dismissing these little gems as too easy to be true and effective!

Happiness comes with a smile.

That's right. Endless research shows that the simple act of an ear-to-ear smile immediately impacts your state of mind. You see, a smile spurs a chemical reaction in the brain, releasing certain hormones, including dopamine and serotonin, the happiness hormones. When you smile, your brain automatically assumes something humorous is happening and responds accordingly. And here's more good news: your brain doesn't know if you're smiling because you genuinely feel happy or if you're pretending. That's right, fake it until you make it.

Does your brain come to life in the morning with stressful thoughts, dread, frustration, or fear? Interrupt that pattern with an ear-to-ear smile. Okay, it may feel goofy to lie in bed smiling at the ceiling, but I kid you not; it's extremely effective. Give it a try! And when you're ready to take things to the next level, find something to laugh about!

Increase happiness when you put a little vacation in every day.

I felt a sinking sensation during my corporate years before I got on the commuter train each morning. It was as though my life wasn't my own once I boarded that train. One day I realized that, between being a single mom and working a demanding job, I had very little of my own time, so of course, I dreaded going to work. So, I decided to change that feeling, even for only a few minutes a day.

I began leaving the house 20 minutes early (no small feat with stunt-loving toddler twins around), but I made it happen. I used that 20 minutes at my morning commute's front or back end. Sometimes, I stopped in the little coffee shop at the station and either laughed and chatted with the owners and other customers or took my coffee to a bench under a tree. There, I focused on the feel-good aspect of being alone; the sweet sound of the birds talking or whatever made my heart feel good.

Other times, I would go out of my way to walk along Lake Michigan to get to work. I would stop in the satellite department store near the train station downtown or browse in a bookshop—things I would do if I were on vacation.

Now, I work from home. I take frequent 5-minute breaks to gaze into my beautiful koi pond or even pull a few weeds (it's meditative!). I'll play with one of our pets or laugh over something silly with my daughters. Other times I'll stop in the middle of the day for something more time-consuming: a massage, a long walk in the woods, a pedicure, or a bit of retail therapy.

I refer to these mini breaks as my way to put a little vacation in every day. This time reminds you that you can escape the stress and daily demands to make yourself feel special and at peace. Make it a rule. Put a little vacation in each and every day!

Show some gratitude.

If a pill could simulate the effects of gratitude, everyone would be taking it. Again, there are countless studies on gratitude's mental and physical benefits. We know that feeling thankful can improve sleep, mood, and immunity. Gratitude can decrease depression, anxiety, chronic pain difficulties, and disease risk.

Gratitude and happiness go hand in hand. But I'm not talking about a robotic recital of a gratitude list. We're all (hopefully) grateful for the important and good things in our lives. Make your gratitude memorable with this simple practice.

Step one is to actively look for simple things that bring joy to your heart. This step requires intention and practice, but this gratitude practice will retrain your brain to focus on the good rather than the stressful stuff.

If you leave the house for an errand or a walk (Walk your dogs! It's a great break for both of you!), watch for the simple things that bring you a moment of pleasure: a beautiful flower, a sweet interaction between a parent and child, a pleasant smell in the air. These are simple pleasures you're looking for, nothing big and life-changing.

You get the idea. This exercise is a highly effective way to practice being present in the moment and teach your brain to seek happiness, not misery.

Step two in the gratitude exercise:

Spend just 5-minutes every night recording your moments of pleasure in a gratitude journal. No cheating! Again, this isn't about the things that you're grateful for; this is about seeking out simple reasons for happiness. You don't have to write a book; a basic sentence or two is perfect.

As you record these special moments, allow your heart to feel them all over again. Going to bed happy provides many benefits, including a more peaceful night's sleep.

Perform random acts of kindness.

I was checking out at Trader Joe's (one of my happy places) a couple of weeks ago. The cashier was a young woman who happily chatted with each customer and did her job joyfully. I don't recall the questions I asked her, but I learned that this happy woman worked three jobs! I asked when she found time for rest, and she responded, “Girl! I've got goals; the time for rest is later!” She went on to say that she loves all of her jobs and is saving so she has the financial means to make her dreams come true.

I was so taken with this magical personality that I went home, grabbed some cash, put it in an envelope with a little note, and returned to the store to give it to her. I told her it was my small way of contributing to her dreams. I can't get the image of her joyful spirit out of my mind. I'm still riding this roller coaster two weeks later.

Along with your gratitude practice, keep your eyes open for small ways to be there for someone else:

• Help someone put groceries in their car.
• Send an employee home early as a special treat.
• Show your appreciation to someone amazing.
• Put a little love note in your child's lunch.
• Surprise a friend by leaving flowers on their doorstep.

Get silly and move!

Just like a smile, shifting your physical state of stress invites your body and brain to feel good. What we call a state change in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) means to change your body radically – to move into a powerful state. Change your posture, facial expression, and breathing. Move to another room, or stand up and strike a Superman pose!

When I began public speaking, I was petrified. It was about more than just getting up on a stage but about creating a presentation powerful enough for an audience to appreciate and benefit from. My anxiety would put a freeze on my creativity. In fact, it crippled my brain! So, I put my knowledge to work. Here are a few of the exercises; they are simple (even goofy) yet effective.

When you're overwhelmed to the point of being frozen, shift to an empowering state to generate happiness and confidence.

Stand tall, and walk around the room while reciting empowering affirmations. Use a strong, confident voice and your hands and arms to accentuate the words. Here are some of the affirmations I used. Before long, I didn't need to do this exercise because I trained my brain to know I was confident, experienced, and strong.

Short and simple affirmations for happiness and confidence.

• I AM an expert!
• I bring value to my audience (or whatever you're doing)!
• I am a great entrepreneur!
• I have everything it takes to succeed at this!
• My voice is powerful and knowing!
• I am confident, capable, and wise!

Remember, use your body, exaggerate your movements, and emphasize key words in your affirmations.

Baby steps. That's all it takes to bring a bit of joy and happiness to your heart. Don't wait for success, don't think you have to make massive life changes. Keep it simple and do it now.

The post Happiness Matters. 5 Fast and Easy Ways to Increase Your Happiness Factor appeared first on Marla Tabaka.

So, here's the story.

Italy was, without a doubt, a trip of a lifetime; however, during the final week, I needed to step up my coping mechanisms to make a difficult adjustment. After three glorious weeks of taking in Italy's spectacular cities and countryside with my brother, Gary, and sister-in-law, Rose, I was excited to experience Rome. The Colosseum, the Forum, the Vatican, the Trevi Fountain, and so much more were awaiting; however, the Universe had different plans for me.

Setbacks happen.

On our final night in Sorrento before traveling to Rome, I sprained my ankle and injured my knee in a nasty fall. It could have been so much worse as I fell hard from the steps onto a marble landing. Still, it hurt like hell! It's a bad sprain, made worse by the knee injury on the opposite leg.

Different personality types respond to setbacks in different ways.

What do you think your initial reaction would've been if you were in my situation? Here's how it went for me.

Immediately after the fall, my initial questions were what most people would ask themselves. How bad is it? Can I move? In how many places am I injured? And then, how will I get up from down here?

After that, I moved on to thoughts similar to what you'd experience for an empathy-driven individual in this situation.

• Oh no, how awful for Gary and Rose to have seen me fall like that.
• Now their trip is going to be ruined.
• Gary had paid for the tours, and now I can't take them; what a waste of money.
• I'm going to slow them down, and I'll be a burden.
• What if I need medical care? That will ruin everything for them!
• I don't want them to worry about me on their vacation!

These fears were a lot to process, and I became overwhelmed and anxious. The fall and all these initial thoughts happened in less than a minute, and I quickly realized the need to access my coping skills, so on went the coach hat. (This was all before I even got off the ground!)

Once I was standing, with the help of my brother, I immediately acknowledged to myself that I was projecting. “If roles were reversed and I witnessed one of them experience a bad fall, would I be thinking about the remainder of my trip being ruined,” I asked myself. The answer was no. I would be deeply concerned for the injured person and think about what I could do to help them. With this shift in perspective, my panic receded, and I could focus on what I needed.

The lesson:

When a setback involves others, don't project. You have no idea how they are feeling or what their thoughts are, and there will be plenty of time to work out the details later. Take care of yourself first and ask for what you need.

Of course, this coach would have more opportunities to turn her skills inward. By the next morning, the pain and swelling worsened in the ankle and the knee. I was alone at the AirBnB and began worrying that I might need medical attention. Would my insurance cover it? Where would I go, and how would I get down the awful stairs lurking just outside the door? Would anyone speak English at the medical center? What would happen if I waited for medical care until I got home a week from now? If there's a fracture, will it be too late to treat it?

As you can see, the negative voices in my head were working overtime. My body became tense all over, and I felt highly agitated. That's when the coach voice took over and told me loud and clear that I was catastrophizing. I was less than a day in; of course, the injuries will get worse before they get better. “Give it time,” I told myself.

I used deep breathing methods to ground myself and shifted states by moving to a different room to distract myself with a bit of television. In addition, I used EFT to quiet the negative voices.

The lesson:

The human brain quickly goes down the path of catastrophic thinking, but your body will alert you when your worrisome brain goes into overdrive. You will experience things like anxiety, tenseness, stomach upset, and headaches. When you receive these signals, stop to ask yourself, “Do any of these manufactured predictions of the future need to be addressed immediately?” And “Do I know–for an absolute fact–that any of these awful things will happen?” The answers are: probably not and no.

In the subsequent phases of adjustment to my unfortunate reality, my brain changed directions, and I began to feel sorry for myself. Here I am, on my dream vacation, stuck in a small apartment with no view and a dangerous stairway. I would miss the spectacular pieces of ancient history I've waited a lifetime to see. I felt angry, sad, and lonely.

With my coach hat on again, I asked myself, “If you must stay in this room for several days, is this how you want to feel?” The answer was absolutely not. I could do nothing to change the situation, so how could I improve it?

I'll admit that even after I put some work into my mindset, some of the sadness remained, but the anger and grief were no longer amplified by it. It's natural to feel a bit sorry for yourself in such situations; I believe anyone would. But I would not let my feelings bring me down to the point of constant misery. So, I created goals and a plan. What entrepreneur doesn't feel better with goals and action steps in place?

First, practice gratitude.

I fell from the steps down onto the solid stone. I could have broken something or many somethings! I could have hit my head or fallen flat on my face. It could have been a truly catastrophic event. I am grateful that my injuries are relatively minor and will heal. I have two caring people with me who would look after me. I created a long list of “I'm really lucky” statements. Gratitude makes everything feel better!

Second, practice acceptance.

• I was in a disappointing situation and could not change it, but I could make the best of it, so I looked for the good.
• Gary and Rose would have some time alone in Rome. I'm sure that feels good to them.
• I brought my iPad, books, and iPhone. I could always find things to do, like writing this post while the facts and feelings were still fresh on my mind. (Although I didn't post it until I returned home.)
• I hadn't watched a movie in quite some time. Who gets to lay around in Rome and watch television? It's a new experience.

Third, expedite my healing.

I studied information online about healing a bad ankle sprain. Unfortunately, the apartment had no freezer, so there was no ice. Yet, ice is crucial to healing. I asked Gary and Rose to get those ice packs you snap to release a cold gel. Not ideal, but better than nothing.

I'd kept the ankle wrapped and elevated and put some magic Italian gel on it. I massaged it, and the knee, several times a day. On the third day, I began basic stretching and other exercises.

Last on the list: Set goals.

I know myself well. No matter what it took, I needed to leave the apartment after a full day inside. Once I got out for an hour or two, I could face another day inside if I continued to work at it. So, on the second morning, I met those challenging stairs with Gary's assistance. He and Rose then escorted me to a cafe where I began this article and sipped a delicious cappuccino while they painstakingly searched Rome for a cane. Later in the day, we took a short walk to a lovely historic restaurant and had a fun evening. I felt much better. On the third morning, I stayed at the Airbnb to rest my ankle, and that evening we attended our after-hours tour of the Vatican Museum and Sistine Chapel. It was a lot of walking and a ton of stairs, but I had a cane and a lot of determination, so I did it, and it was spectacular. A stoic guard even took mercy on me and invited us to ride in a secret elevator!

I continued to motivate myself by adjusting any negative thoughts to a positive mindset and spent my final two days in Italy seeing the sites. I walked miles a day on a badly sprained ankle and crooked cobblestone. It was slow but sure, and I enjoyed every minute of it.

Having tools, creating processes, and fine-tuning your mindset can help you through a challenging setback. You don't have to be a professional coach to shape your negative thoughts into a positive vision and a plan to fit any situation. Use the following list as a guide to turn those sour lemons into delicious lemonade. (Oh, Italy has the best lemons, especially in Sorrento!)

• Be kind to yourself and avoid condemning your actions and choices.
• Acknowledge your feelings instead of pushing them down.
• Ask yourself questions like the ones I mentioned in this article.
• Pay attention when you're projecting or catastrophizing. Bring your thoughts back to reality.
• Figure out a plan to make the best of what you've got and to give yourself something to look forward to.
• Use this article as a template you can customize to your needs!

Two weeks after returning home, I don't reflect on a trip ruined by a sprained ankle. I look back at a dream come true and the beauty and richness of Italy. I remember being on the Mediterranean and dining in family-owned restaurants with a plate of homemade pasta and freshly caught shellfish. I think of the memories we created and spending precious time with two people I love. The ankle incident proved my strength and my family member's patience and kindness.

Do I wish the fall had never happened? Of course, I do; the darn ankle still stings, but I also feel proud of the coping mechanisms I put to work. The beautiful memories will far outlast the discomfort and inconvenience of what could have been a far worse incident. And, as my brother says, now I have a story to tell!

The post Here’s How I Just Changed a Shocking Experience to a Manageable Setback appeared first on Marla Tabaka.

If you're familiar with the “head slap” made famous by NCIS character Leroy Jethro Gibbs, you know that this non-injurious action is usually meant as a reminder when a team member violates one of the Gibbs rules. Gibbs's rules originated from his first wife, Shannon Gibbs when she told him at their first meeting that “Everyone needs a code they can live by.”

I have my own rules as well. I call them the Tabaka No-Fail Rules for Leadership Excellence. The Rules are born out of my personal and professional growth experiences and that of my clients. So much of the angst (and failure) that leaders experience is due to poor choices and a lack of clarity around values and vision. Much of their loss and regret could be prevented if business owners would carve out the time to identify their values, vision, and company culture.

So here, my friends, are my Rules. Live and lead by them, and the successful, influential trailblazer in you will take you far in life and business.

1. Take responsibility; never, ever place blame elsewhere.
2. If you want to control your future, let go of the control.
3. Learn to be a strong communicator. No, this does not mean sending a lot of text messages.
4. Listen, don't judge.
5. Don't make excuses; when it comes to being a respectable leader, there are none.
6. Never forget that your team, not your product, not your bank account, is your number-one asset.
7. Give your team the tools and freedom to be extraordinary. There is no better investment.
8. If you promise to do something, do it–and do it well.
9. Let your ego know that it's really smart to surround yourself with people who know more than you do.
10. To work with a coach or mentor is a sign of a successful mindset, not a weakness.
11. Consciously build an intentional culture and powerful company culture. Otherwise, it will build itself…and you will not like the results!
12. If you consistently work through the night, you're doing something wrong.
13. Employee meetings are not a disruption, waste of time, or inconvenience. If you feel that way, it only means you don’t know how to run them.
14. Never enter into a 50-50 partnership.
15. Do not launch a product without doing market research that goes well beyond family and friends.
16. Before you even think about stepping into a leadership role, define and understand your values. Otherwise, you have no road map to lead yourself or others to success.
17. You are only as successful as you believe you are. Mindset is everything.
18. Don't think your idea is excellent because you believe in it and have worked hard for it. It's only great if your customers believe in it too.
19. Honesty is a code to live by; choose your words carefully.
20. If you think it's time to quit, it probably is.
21. Make friends with your numbers, even if you don't like them very much.
22. Don't jump into a partnership because you're excited. Partner because you have a great idea, the combined skills to make it happen, and a viable plan in place. Then see a business lawyer.
23. Always stay in check on social media. Yes, even on your personal accounts.
24. Don't take advice from people who haven't been there, done it, and succeeded.
25. Only borrow money from friends and family who are willing to lose every penny of it and not hold it against you.
26. Build your personal brand even if you think you don't matter to your customers–because you do.
27. Don't wear your overwhelming schedule as a badge of honor. Be proud when you can get everything done and have plenty of time to enjoy life.
28. It's only a failure if you beat yourself up for it instead of learning from it.
29. You have to believe in yourself before anyone else will.
30. It's alright to have self-doubt. It's not alright to let it consume you.
31. Experiencing fear is natural and normal. Allowing it to keep you from your dreams is just sad.
32. Don't make the mistake of believing you can be a full-time parent and achieve your business success on the timeline of a single person.
33. Stop saying there's never enough time; there is if you stop doing the things that a real entrepreneur doesn't do.
34. Know your strengths, and don't dwell on your weaknesses. Just hire someone to fill in the gaps.
35. If you believe you can't afford to do something to the betterment of your business, then you can't—and never will.
36. When stress is getting the best of you, focus on helping someone else.
37. The customer may always be right, but they are not your ideal customer if they cost you more than they pay you.
38. There is nothing in the world worth missing your kid's birthday for.
39. Only make friends with your employees if you can put on the boss hat and not feel guilty or uncomfortable in it.
40. If you can't trust your employees, it's for one of two reasons: You are too controlling or don't know how to hire right.
41. Ask interview questions that will tell you if your candidate is a good culture fit. Most skills can be taught. Personality, not so much.
42. Take care of you first and you'll have the energy and clear-headedness to take good care of your company.
43. Meditation isn't just for hippies anymore.
44. Never forget the healing power of laughter.
45. If you hold on to poor performers, you are the one who needs improvement.
46. Don't exhaust yourself grabbing at nickels and dimes. Know where the real profit comes from.
47. Always give back.
48. If you're in it just for the money, you'll never know true success.
49. Without a vision, you can't get there. But remember, your vision matures as you do.
50. Angel investors aren't really angels.
51. Don't shut off your emotions. They aren't in the way; they are there to help pave the way.

The post 51 Rules for Leadership Excellence appeared first on Marla Tabaka.

Here's why I ask.

We sometimes dislike or become frustrated by aspects of whom we appear to be–or whom we judge ourselves to be–but these qualities aren't always as they appear.

For instance, I've had clients who are very sensitive and empathetic. As a result, they tend to take things personally. They will take on others' problems as their own and procrastinate on essential tasks, either because they worry too much or because they are busy tending to the needs of another.

These sensitive, empathetic qualities can nearly cripple business owners and their business growth when they display as weaknesses. Suppose this individual gets caught up in their fear of being too vulnerable, pleasing everyone, failing, and never being good enough. In that case, they won't take the emotional risks associated with a successful business. That takes a backseat to the fact that they are too busy and exhausted by their emotions to act on these risks.

Another example is the entrepreneur who strives for perfection, so they claim no one can do things right. They pick at every detail to the point of going overboard. Subsequently, this individual engages in self-criticism and frustration because they get nothing of significant value done. The lack of delegation and trust are blinders that keep this entrepreneur from seeing the talents and strengths that others bring to the table.

The flipside to our strengths and weaknesses.

People don't often realize that our weaknesses are often the flip side of our strengths. The very things that hold us back are aspects of a strength that is undervalued or overused. Individuals who are sensitive and empathetic often have the gift of creativity. They can see things that others don't notice. They are curious, so they explore the possibilities missed by others. Creative individuals can diffuse tension and relate well to others. They often make great bosses because of these abilities, and coupled with an innovative mind, they make outstanding entrepreneurs.

Perfectionism, when appearing as a positive quality, allows an individual to pay attention to the smallest detail and see errors and ideas that others won't. They are ambitious and can motivate others. Perfectionists at their best strive to be the best version of themselves and are often envied for their drive and success.

The shadow side of our strengths.

The examples are endless because we all have this “shadow” side of our strengths. When our positive qualities are misdirected or go into overdrive, they shift to the shadow side and become painful and self-defeating.

Imagine a spectrum that is black at one end and white at the other. Our strengths at their best lean toward the white end; our strengths' shadows, or weaknesses, are at the dark end. As you can imagine, many of these personal assets float around somewhere in between the white and black ends of the spectrum, depending on whether we leverage them well or overuse or ignore them.

Understanding this helps us to realize we have choices.

The shadow is not who we are or what defines us. When the shadow takes over, we can flip it around to lean into our strengths and shift our perspective. How do you do that?

Begin by identifying the shadow side of your strengths.

For some, it's easier to identify the flipside of their weaknesses, rather than their strengths. Then try these ideas to nudge your shadows up the spectrum toward being strengths.

Don't hate your shadow.

Your shadow is simply a side of you that you don't see in a helpful, positive light. Resistance, such as frustration or pushing something away, only makes life more challenging. When we allow all aspects of ourselves to be recognized and worked with, we shift from resistance to allowing, which is a much less stressful way of living.

Embrace your strengths!

The shadows that don't serve you have a flip side that makes you an exceptional human being. Focus on those parts of who you are. Journal about what makes you successful (at anything), happy, and healthy.

Celebrate your successes.

We often deny our strengths and make excuses for why we can't be better. Push away the “yeah but” tendencies and celebrate even the most minor success. When I point out a win to some of my clients, they predictably say, “yeah, but (add criticism here). The more you recognize and celebrate, the more you believe in yourself.

Don't let someone steal your internal locus of control.

If you feel happy about a situation, don't let someone else's viewpoint or actions steal your joy. Put your reaction in a box and come back to it later if you must. Your qualities, perseverance, and talents are responsible for your success; no one can take that from you. Don't, for instance, let a reaction from one client affect how you work with the next one. Maintain your confidence.

Live less in the shadow.

When your strengths are in overdrive, and your actions are not productive and helpful, stop to recognize what you're doing. Take a deep breath and ask yourself how to elevate your talent or quality to live in or closer to the white. If you're being overly perfectionistic to the point of generating stress, get real with yourself. What is perfect to you may be flawed to another, so there is no such thing as perfect.

Choose your reactions and actions intentionally.

Make a different choice than being victim to the less productive end of the spectrum (the shadow). When something upsets you, do your best to be optimistic instead of going into an anxious, “what if” response. When the shadow is at work you may get caught up in catastrophizing the situation. Be careful of exaggerating the impact of any problems that arise. Understanding that you can choose your behavior is empowering so put more intention into your thoughts and actions.

B!tch slap anxiety.

Yes, you read that right. Be kind and understanding of feelings like fear and worry. On the flip side, you want to be firm with your anxiety. Anxiety is not a feeling; it's a hard-wired physical reaction to your mind's response to something. Tell your anxiety to take a hike, take a deep breath, and talk to yourself or journal about your concerns and worries. Choose. healthy distraction from your anxiety. Leverage your strengths in every situation.

The post Stuck? In Your Own Way? This Is Important for You to Know appeared first on Marla Tabaka.

Successful entrepreneurs see a direct correlation between the level of their success and the amount of work they've invested into a positive mindset.

Any thriving entrepreneur will tell you that personal development is paramount to success, but one component often gets overlooked in translation. No personal development regiment is complete without the ongoing development of a positive mindset.

Is “mindset” just a buzzword?

The word, mindset, is being used more often, not because it's a fad or phase, but because people are becoming increasingly aware of its importance. New studies in neuroscience continue to produce consistent evidence of the power of a positive mindset.

What exactly is mindset?

You possess a collection of thoughts and beliefs based on your unique life experiences. Some of them benefit you and support the likelihood of success, and many probably don't. These beliefs shape your thought habits and, therefore, your actions. They affect your energy levels and the way you feel in general. Your unique beliefs dictate how you view others, the world, and your future. Mindset is a big deal for everyone, but for entrepreneurs, mindset is everything.

I find that until an entrepreneur develops a positive, healthy, supportive mindset, they will not achieve their ultimate goals in life and business. A negative mindset never leads to success and happiness.

Successful entrepreneurs invest in their mindset.

The founder of the multi-billion-dollar company, Spanx, credits her success to the power of mindset development.

Blakely is not alone; successful entrepreneurs, in general, invest in themselves and habitually observe their thought patterns and related actions.

Build a foundation for a healthy, supportive mindset.

I've identified these 4 opportunities to Bullshift™ into a healthy mindset.

1. Resolve past hurts.

Carrying the burden of anger, resentment, pain, and/or a victim mentality weighs us down emotionally and physically. It depletes our energy and supports negative beliefs about others and the world in general. If you find yourself thinking and talking about life events that hurt you, you are perpetuating the painful effects of the incident. This cycle uses up more energy than you may believe–energy that could be applied to your business and happiness.

It's often difficult to let go of negative memories and the beliefs associated with them, let alone forgive those involved. If you are holding on to something from the past, work with a coach or therapist to resolve it.

2. Think positive thoughts.

Psychologist Rick Hansen, Ph.D., says that “negative events and experiences get quickly stored in memory, in contrast to positive events and experiences. Positive events usually need to be held in your awareness for a dozen (or more) seconds to transfer them from short-term memory buffers to long-term storage.” We have a cognitive bias toward failure and negativity, so it's natural to hold on to negative thoughts. We must put effort into positive thinking.

Positivity is a precursor to success, whereas negative thoughts narrow your mind and push you to hyper-focus on negativity. Positivity broadens your sense of possibility and opens your eyes and mind to the opportunities, ideas, and options that will support your success. This study, published by positive psychology researcher, Barbara Fredrickson, is only one of many that support these findings.

3. Believe in yourself.

Athletes frequently break records once believed to represent the limits of the human body. To achieve this, they must believe in themselves one hundred percent. Can an inventor build something that they do not believe in? No, they must believe in their project and their ability to bring it to fruition.

The practice of visualization is one of the most powerful means to raise your confidence and embed a stronger, more supportive belief system around success. If you spend only 20-seconds to a few minutes a day visualizing and, most importantly, feeling your success, it will make a remarkable difference in your life.

4. Be grateful.

Since it takes more effort to store positive experiences in our long-term memory, it's common for entrepreneurs to focus on what they have not done rather than their achievements. Flip that around by keeping a list of positive accomplishments, large and small. Also, add at least three things a day worthy of your gratitude. Avoid the “ya but” that you may tend to add after thinking or talking about a positive step you've made:

“Today, I crossed three things off my list.” (Feeling grateful.)
“Ya, but four more things got piled on.” (Feeling defeated.)

Celebrate even the most minor wins, and you'll experience many more victories. The benefits related to intentional gratitude are many. Here's a great resource, written by psychotherapist and Psychology Today author Amy Morin.

To Bullshift your way into a positive mindset takes an investment of time, persistence, dedication, and sometimes money. However, the time and effort spent on an empowering mindset offer the best ROI you'll ever experience.

The post 4 Steps to Bullshift Your Way Into a Positive Mindset for Success appeared first on Marla Tabaka.

"If I had a realistic magic wand, what is the biggest change I would make in my life, career, or business?"

The post Are You Thinking Big Enough? Find Out by Asking Yourself This Little Quirky Question appeared first on Marla Tabaka.

Why is confidence important?

Some people feel like imposters and walk around in fear of being found out, that they don’t belong. They believe they just got lucky to have as much success as they’ve had. When in this state, it’s impossible to imagine success and to take the next steps with ease. Whereas self-confidence makes it easy for us to visualize success and difficult for us to imagine failure. If you can’t envision your desired outcome, it’s awfully difficult to make it happen.

A strong sense of confidence will positively influence your work, access to happiness, and even your health. A confident disposition is important because of the way it makes us feel and it allows us to live a more joyful, productive life.

Confidence is contagious!

What’s fascinating is that confidence is contagious, and there’s a reason for that—mirror neurons. Have you ever noticed that when you're sitting across from someone, you end up mimicking one another's body position? Mimicking a companion's position, like crossed arms, elbows on the table, and legs crossed are examples of mirror neurons at work  Confidence can be mirrored back to us as well. When, for instance, you are confident in a presentation, the audience will subconsciously pick up on that energy and mimic it back to you. If you stumble on your words and your lack of confidence shows, the best you’ll get from your audience is sympathy.

How to tap into your confidence.

You can access your confidence by creating something to anchor it to.  Let’s have some fun and create these anchors. We’ll begin with a bit of journaling.

Write down what the opposite of confidence is for you. Some questions you could ask yourself:

• How do I know when I am NOT confident?
• Where in my body do I feel it?
• How does confidence impact my work?
• When I’m not confident how does it influence my overall mood, energy, health?

Now, break out your crayons and draw an image that represents the opposite of confidence.

Ok, a bit of creative expression here. What does a state of low confidence look like to you? What color, texture, shape, and size is it? There are no rules here, just go with your intuition.

Strike a pose or put yourself into a position that demonstrates your brain and body when you do NOT feel confident.

Don't be shy. Imagine a time when your confidence was in the gutter. What body position best represents that? Now, how do you feel? Pretty crappy, right? Let’s fix that. (I call this Bullshift because we are shifting the B.S. in our heads!)

Now let’s do the opposite.

Do the same exercises, but tap into your confident self. Write about what confidence is to you by asking yourself the same questions, but with confidence in mind. Then, draw confidence, strike a confident pose. Become Wonder Woman or Superman!

Anchoring to your confidence.

Now you have some things to anchor your confidence to: your written definition, the drawing, and your super confident pose. Create some affirmations from your definition. Look at, and touch your drawing. Strike your pose and put everything into it!

How do you feel now? Better? Yup!

Next week I’m going to post about how to use your amazing intuitive abilities to tap into confidence. Please don’t say that you’re not intuitive, because we all are. Most people don’t know how to recognize it and therefore, don’t listen to their intuitive voice. Tune in next week to learn how! UPDATE: Here's the link to the newest intuition post!

Meanwhile, try on your confidence today. Go be amazing!

The post Business Coach Tip of the Week. Try These Fun Tricks to Tap Into Your Confidence appeared first on Marla Tabaka.

And then, when the moment would come for my interview to begin, I would sit down opposite the host and my upbeat, passionate personality would switch on like a lightbulb. I would speak confidently, powerfully, and authentically.

“So why, Marla,” I one day asked myself, “Why do you put yourself through weeks of misery to do something that is so natural for you?” And then, “How can I possibly shorten or eliminate this cycle of stress and anxiety before a speaking engagement?”

Today, as I await airtime, I'm excited and eager to have a platform where I can tell my story and perhaps help a few people move closer to their dreams. I did some preparation, of course, but it was fast and easy. I've had no stress, no anxiety, no cottonmouth.

What do you get anxious about doing? Public speaking, pitching your products or services? Attending meetings and networking engagements? Do you pour hours, days, or weeks of stress into projects that usually turn out just fine, despite your fears? You're not alone.

Tips to eliminate or decrease stress.

How can you calm your anxious fears? Begin with a review of the facts. For my speaking anxiety, I examined some of my past engagements and listed their positive aspects. Things like audience response (always good), how I felt on stage (alive and passionate), the event coordinator's reaction (very complimentary), the number of people who waited to speak to me after the event (often, a line formed). Once armed with my reality list (versus the B.S. I made up in my fear-brain), I began the process of managing my pre-stage stress cycle.

Keep track of your stress relief progress.

When you challenge yourself to shorten or eliminate your stress cycle, you must know if you're succeeding. Create a visual way to log your progression, like a spreadsheet or journal.

• How long do you dwell, worry, and procrastinate about your upcoming event?
• How stressful is this for you?
• In what ways does stress impact your life?
• Does it create tension in your body and make you constantly anxious?
• Does it show up in your mood and the way you treat yourself and others?
• Does it preoccupy you to the point that other things get put on hold?

Replace your made-up stories (B.S. thinking) with facts.

I call this process Bullshift™. You see, our minds love a good story. As we dwell on the scary parts of an important step, like a presentation, phone call, or meeting, our brains entertain us with false tales of looming failure. A written list of supportive facts can sweep in like a knight in shining armor. When you imagine yourself freezing like a deer in headlights, ask yourself if that's ever happened to you (probably not). Then look at your list to read about a time you aced a presentation. That's the story to focus upon. For every negative thought, train yourself to think about something from your list. Take the B.S. stories in your head and Bullshift™ them to empowering thoughts and facts. This process actually rewires your brain!

Beat procrastination caused by your stress.

Let's say you have a presentation coming up in 2 weeks. You've already spent a week freaking out about it or shoving it down into your procrastination space.  Go for a fast walk or another activity to get your physical energy moving. Physical activity creates a positive shift in your body, which also adjusts your mood. Now, sit down to complete one step on your presentation. Odds are, once you get moving, you will do more.

Talk to your business coach or someone else who will support you.

Talking about your fears is beneficial in many ways. For starters, it helps you to hear the B.S. that your brain is making up and gives you the opportunity to Bullshift™ it. If you speak with someone who knows you well (your business coach, mentor, a good friend), they will remind you of your truth. Immediately after your conversation, get to work. Don't give your brain the time to shift gears back to the negative.

Notice what mindset strategies work best for you.

Keep track of how you feel and what you achieve after doing each of these steps. Does talking to someone help immensely, or did it feel as though it increased your stress? Did you ask the right person to be your sounding board? How did you feel after exercising? Did it clear your mind? Find the actions that work best and keep doing them.

Repeat these mindset exercises often and continue to keep track of your success.

I performed this process through about 4-5 stressful experiences, spanning nearly six months. But I kept track and watched my stress cycle decrease in time and intensity. Remain focused and committed. Add other activities that help lower your stress and increase your productivity.

Acquire new tools, like EFT Tapping.

My television appearance was a local engagement. If I were on a national morning show, my stress level would have been much higher, naturally! However, these tools, along with my Secret Weapon, decrease that stress to a manageable level.  Learn more about my Secret Weapon, the Emotional Freedom Techniques (a.k.a., EFT or Tapping) here.

Keep working on reducing your cycle of stress and celebrate even the smallest win.

The post How to Decrease Stress Related to Speaking, Pitching, Selling, and More appeared first on Marla Tabaka.

As a life coach and a self-professed neuroscience junky, I'm fortunate to have an understanding of how the brain works, as well as the tools to redirect my fearful, anxious thoughts. I knew that I was falling into the bandwagon effect of fear-based cognitive bias that's spreading at an alarmingly faster rate than the virus itself.

I'm not saying that we have no reason for concern. For some, it's challenging to avoid cognitive bias (the very normal and common tendency to overemphasize things that are recent and very vivid) because they are not slowing down to look at the real facts surrounding the Covid-19 pandemic. Anyone's imagination can run wild in situations like these.

Hey, it's no one's fault; this is how the brain functions. My point here is that we can shift our perspective and lower the stress that's related to catastrophic thinking. Remember, excessive stress weakens the immune system, so it's crucial that you take the time to address your anxious thoughts and feelings.

One way to do this is to slow down and recognize the whole truth, rather than focusing on only the negative aspects. Again, the brain quickly jumps on the train to spread negativity far and wide, and it takes a bit of work to direct that train to higher ground.

Examples of fear-based thinking and how to manage it:

If you hear, say, or think something like,

“They're saying that Coronavirus is going infect nearly all us; the world is changing, and it's scary.” (Feel your fear and anxiety mounting.)

Add more facts to your statement like,

“We know that a great majority of those infected are recovering. Many are experiencing few if any, symptoms.”

Here's another:

“I'm afraid that if I don't stock up on things, the stores will run out. What if I can't get my x,y,z?”

Add more facts:

The essential businesses, like grocery stores, will not shut down. Supplies will continue to come in. People who purchased 26 jumbo packs of mega roll toilet paper and a deep freezer's worth of frozen meats and vegetables won't go through it for a long time, so purchasing will slow down.

And then there's this:

“There aren't enough tests. Everyone needs to be tested; that's the only thing that will stop the spread.”

Add this thought:

Confirming that someone has the virus changes nothing; the treatment for unfavorable lung conditions remains the same. Anyone who is ill, whether or not it's Covid-19, needs to stay home or receive medical attention if (and that's a big if) their conditions worsen. All of us don't need to be tested. (This is not only my opinion; doctors and researchers say the same thing.)

If your thoughts are telling you this:

“My investments are dwindling. I fear that, soon, there won't be anything left! What am I going to do?”

Consider this:

The stock market historically rebounds. Your investments are long-term. Today your stocks are down, and soon they will rally.

When your brain jumps on the negative-thinking bandwagon, imagine a stop sign and divert your attention by doing something physical. Jump up and down, dance, turn on an exercise video, and follow along. Breaking the cycle of negativity is imperative to healing the mind. In the moment, it may feel difficult, but it's so incredibly easy once you change tracks. If you have to do it 50 times a day, it's worth it. Soon, your brain will catch on and slow down the negative soundtracks.

Have you ever used or heard of the Emotional Freedom Techniques, aka EFT and Tapping? I call this tool my Secret Weapon because it's just that powerful. While EFT is considered a self-help tool, working with a skilled practitioner is far more effective, especially with your more significant stressors. Contact me to talk about how I can help!

The post Are Your Thoughts Driving You Crazy Right Now? How to Minimize Fearful Thinking appeared first on Marla Tabaka.